Depression is a nasty beast.

I like to describe myself as the perfect mix of my mother and father. Those who know my mom say I look just like her, those who knew my dad say I look just like him. However, the older I get, the more I can pick out what I got from each one of them. Today, let's focus on Dad. From him I got my curly hair, my super cute nose, my eye color, fair skin with freckles, my performing abilities and depression.

Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.

Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I  read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.

My conclusions:

• I can do nothing on my own, no matter how hard I try. BUT I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. 
• My husband is gosh darn AMAZING. I am SO glad he was made for me, accepts me as I am, loves me unconditionally, supports me in so many things and wants me to be the very best me I was created to be. 
• Part of my problem is my lack of exercise. I need me some endorphins in my life. 
• I need to use my unique gifts more. Judging Miss East Valley last weekend brought me more joy than I've felt in many, many moons. I will make a post about that very soon. 
• Though I have gotten a lot better, I need to let go of hurts. 
• Joy is a choice. Sometimes it's the hardest choice to make, but it's one I am committed to make again. 

I'm back again!

SO much has gone on since my last post, and eventually I will get around to the rest of them, but there's only one that I really feel like blogging about today.

The biggest and most heartbreaking thing that has happened was another member of our WSP family was taken from us on May 31. Trooper Sean O'Connell was a loving husband, father, son, brother and friend, and an incredible example of what it means to be a great Trooper. I try to find God in every bad situation, and boy, did He show up. There is very little that compares to the Law Enforcement family. In a week's time, our agency, along with many more around the state and country, and the Behind The Badge Foundation, banded together to rally around his family and to lay him to rest with a fitting and dignified service. In fact,our Spouses' Association is still organizing meals to be dropped off into next month.

I came across something on Pinterest this afternoon that spurred this post. For something fun to do with your kids, it was suggested to take goodies to your local Fire House to "Thank a Firefighter." By all means, please do! They are brave and special public servants. In both of the line-of-duty processions I've been in since getting married, they have lined the overpasses with their trucks, flags and stood at attention or with their hands covering their hearts as every single car passes. With the 19 men and women who gave their lives recently in Arizona, the firefighters around the country could use a pick-me up. We feel that in this house as well, as it brings up an old wound for my husband. One of his very best friends gave his life fighting the Thirty Mile Fire exactly 12 years ago today. He was had turned 21 just days before his death.

That being said, please think about doing the same thing for your local Police Officers, County Sheriffs and/or State Patrol/Police. While firefighters are always hailed as heroes, most of the time, Law Enforcement are pitted as "the mean guy who gave me a ticket for no reason," "the jerk who arrested so-and-so," or someone who will "come take you to jail" if one is "bad." Not only would bringing a treat and a note of thanks to your local station/office be a welcome change to the grief many police officers get on a daily basis, it would give your children a positive view of the Good Guys, letting them know they can trust them as well as the firefighters if they ever would be in need of help.

Aaaaand we're back!

At the request of one of my favorite friends from high school, Crystal, I have decided to resurrect this blog.

We are trying to conceive our first nugget. I'm on a bit of hormone therapy and taking a few different vitamins and herbs to help with that. It seems to be working quite well. Doesn't make it any easier to see what seems like everyone I know getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for them, I really am. I am certain it will happen for us, just know that it's in God's timing, not our own. While we aren't in the "infertile" boat, we aren't in the "fertile myrtle" boat either. My friend Melinda posted this link and I think it's AWESOME!

Month by month, I am becoming more patient. Right now, I'm trying to focus on picking out scripts for the next few months for the Drama Ministry, getting everything ready for the Global Leadership Summit, for which I am the Onsite Event Manager and trying to finish school. It seems to be helping.

Our Maximus is very ill. Metastatic Lymphoma - stage 5. It's week-to-week with him right now. We're getting in all of the cuddles we can.

Baseball season is in full swing (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little)! Corey is the head coach for Riverside Christian School's HS Varsity team, where for the past 2 seasons he was an assistant coach. I'm still the official score keeper. It was a fast way to learn the sport, that's for sure. The boys are hilarious. They really are good kids. And a fantastic team - they are 5-0 in League play and 12-1 overall! Words can't express how proud I am of their accomplishments so far! My cupcakes have become legendary - along with being called Mrs. Coach, they have added "Cupcake Queen". I'm not going to lie, I stinkin' love it!

I'm watching my friend Michelle's 8-week-old, Benjamin today. I do believe he has a bit of a squishy diaper - Minnie is sniffing his little bum as he's sleeping on the chair next to me as I type this and watch Downton Abbey (don't even get me started on how devastated I am that season 3 isn't available yet on Netflix or HuluPlus!). AND there's the "rumble" I must away...