Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.
Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.
My conclusions:
- I can do nothing on my own, no matter how hard I try. BUT I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
- My husband is gosh darn AMAZING. I am SO glad he was made for me, accepts me as I am, loves me unconditionally, supports me in so many things and wants me to be the very best me I was created to be.
- Part of my problem is my lack of exercise. I need me some endorphins in my life.
- I need to use my unique gifts more. Judging Miss East Valley last weekend brought me more joy than I've felt in many, many moons. I will make a post about that very soon.
- Though I have gotten a lot better, I need to let go of hurts.
- Joy is a choice. Sometimes it's the hardest choice to make, but it's one I am committed to make again.
