Depression is a nasty beast.

I like to describe myself as the perfect mix of my mother and father. Those who know my mom say I look just like her, those who knew my dad say I look just like him. However, the older I get, the more I can pick out what I got from each one of them. Today, let's focus on Dad. From him I got my curly hair, my super cute nose, my eye color, fair skin with freckles, my performing abilities and depression.

Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.

Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I  read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.

My conclusions:

• I can do nothing on my own, no matter how hard I try. BUT I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. 
• My husband is gosh darn AMAZING. I am SO glad he was made for me, accepts me as I am, loves me unconditionally, supports me in so many things and wants me to be the very best me I was created to be. 
• Part of my problem is my lack of exercise. I need me some endorphins in my life. 
• I need to use my unique gifts more. Judging Miss East Valley last weekend brought me more joy than I've felt in many, many moons. I will make a post about that very soon. 
• Though I have gotten a lot better, I need to let go of hurts. 
• Joy is a choice. Sometimes it's the hardest choice to make, but it's one I am committed to make again. 

I'm back again!

SO much has gone on since my last post, and eventually I will get around to the rest of them, but there's only one that I really feel like blogging about today.

The biggest and most heartbreaking thing that has happened was another member of our WSP family was taken from us on May 31. Trooper Sean O'Connell was a loving husband, father, son, brother and friend, and an incredible example of what it means to be a great Trooper. I try to find God in every bad situation, and boy, did He show up. There is very little that compares to the Law Enforcement family. In a week's time, our agency, along with many more around the state and country, and the Behind The Badge Foundation, banded together to rally around his family and to lay him to rest with a fitting and dignified service. In fact,our Spouses' Association is still organizing meals to be dropped off into next month.

I came across something on Pinterest this afternoon that spurred this post. For something fun to do with your kids, it was suggested to take goodies to your local Fire House to "Thank a Firefighter." By all means, please do! They are brave and special public servants. In both of the line-of-duty processions I've been in since getting married, they have lined the overpasses with their trucks, flags and stood at attention or with their hands covering their hearts as every single car passes. With the 19 men and women who gave their lives recently in Arizona, the firefighters around the country could use a pick-me up. We feel that in this house as well, as it brings up an old wound for my husband. One of his very best friends gave his life fighting the Thirty Mile Fire exactly 12 years ago today. He was had turned 21 just days before his death.

That being said, please think about doing the same thing for your local Police Officers, County Sheriffs and/or State Patrol/Police. While firefighters are always hailed as heroes, most of the time, Law Enforcement are pitted as "the mean guy who gave me a ticket for no reason," "the jerk who arrested so-and-so," or someone who will "come take you to jail" if one is "bad." Not only would bringing a treat and a note of thanks to your local station/office be a welcome change to the grief many police officers get on a daily basis, it would give your children a positive view of the Good Guys, letting them know they can trust them as well as the firefighters if they ever would be in need of help.

Aaaaand we're back!

At the request of one of my favorite friends from high school, Crystal, I have decided to resurrect this blog.

We are trying to conceive our first nugget. I'm on a bit of hormone therapy and taking a few different vitamins and herbs to help with that. It seems to be working quite well. Doesn't make it any easier to see what seems like everyone I know getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for them, I really am. I am certain it will happen for us, just know that it's in God's timing, not our own. While we aren't in the "infertile" boat, we aren't in the "fertile myrtle" boat either. My friend Melinda posted this link and I think it's AWESOME!

Month by month, I am becoming more patient. Right now, I'm trying to focus on picking out scripts for the next few months for the Drama Ministry, getting everything ready for the Global Leadership Summit, for which I am the Onsite Event Manager and trying to finish school. It seems to be helping.

Our Maximus is very ill. Metastatic Lymphoma - stage 5. It's week-to-week with him right now. We're getting in all of the cuddles we can.

Baseball season is in full swing (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little)! Corey is the head coach for Riverside Christian School's HS Varsity team, where for the past 2 seasons he was an assistant coach. I'm still the official score keeper. It was a fast way to learn the sport, that's for sure. The boys are hilarious. They really are good kids. And a fantastic team - they are 5-0 in League play and 12-1 overall! Words can't express how proud I am of their accomplishments so far! My cupcakes have become legendary - along with being called Mrs. Coach, they have added "Cupcake Queen". I'm not going to lie, I stinkin' love it!

I'm watching my friend Michelle's 8-week-old, Benjamin today. I do believe he has a bit of a squishy diaper - Minnie is sniffing his little bum as he's sleeping on the chair next to me as I type this and watch Downton Abbey (don't even get me started on how devastated I am that season 3 isn't available yet on Netflix or HuluPlus!). AND there's the "rumble" I must away...

Friday's Letters

I'm adopting a new tradition on the blog from my dear friend Chelsea (who got it from someone else) of "Friday's Letters." Little letters to whatever and whoever I see fit on Fridays. Here goes nothin':

Dear iPod Touch: Updating your operating system proved to be a bit more of a chore than I thought since all of your music got wiped out. It did, however, give me a chance to go through and weed out some of the "WHY do we have this on the iPod?!" songs and artists. Dear Grandma Barb: I hope the new medication you got will help with your memory. I'm not ready to let you go to Jesus yet, especially by your own hand due to the deterioration of your memory and progression of your dementia. You have been so integral in my faith journey and my upbringing that words will never express the love I have for you. Seeing your decline breaks my heart, and the idea that you might not be around to see me have a baby had never entered my mind until this morning. I love you. Dear husband: Two years together, one year married, and it feels like you have always been a part of my life. You are amazing and every day I thank God for the blessing that is you who was perfectly made for me. You know me better than anyone else on this planet and know exactly what to say to me in every situation. You make me laugh continually and I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. Dear Heavenly Father: Thank you for holding us and guiding us through the situations in our life. Thank you for placing us in such a wonderful community of church family, blessing us with loving families and the counsel of Christ-following friends. You are worthy to be praised at all times and in all places!

❤,
Mer

It's Friday!

What an amazing week this has been!

By day, I've been filling in for the amazing and sweet Sue in the YFC office. It's been really nice to decompress, be surrounded by people I love and have SO much fun with and feel like I'm contributing financially to our family. I have been dubbed "Our new defender of the faith" by Pastor Dave after passing his little prank phone call test ("No, we're not snake handlers...") and given the nickname "Mountain of the Valleys" through the Bible Dictionary method.

I've also come to the realization that, even though I'm really good at it, it wasn't just the corporate world admin gigs that I had fallen out of love with, it was that I would much rather be doing focused work in my specialty/ministry area than being support staff.  I have a deep admiration and respect for support staff, especially after being in that field for 10+ years, so I mean no disrespect with my "vocalization" of my realization.

By night, I've been hanging out at Grandma Jane's casa with the Kingman clan. Cousin Karen and her mom Aunt Iva have been here from Texas and Amber and Cayden have been in town since last Thursday night. Lots of cards, southern comfort food, snacks, candy, cookies, pies and lots of laughter. I'm going to miss that next week, but thankfully, we'll start the week with our special little beach treat for our anniversary.

Corey is super twitterpated. He's on the West Side right now picking up his new patrol car. His text to me a bit ago was, "Oh, she's dead sexy. Might have to name this one." I can't wait to see it in person and go on a ride-along!

It's been two years since I've put in a 40-hour work week outside of my house and adding the late nights of family fun on top, I'm bushed! I'm really thankful for the quiet time in the office this morning - just me and Dobby. Happy weekend, all!

The effects of dangerous prayer

When your pastor stands up in front of the congregation and asks in earnest prayer who in the room (and watching online) is brave enough to dangerously pray with him that God crush you and show you where you have conformed to this world, take the words “brave” and “dangerously” seriously.

The past week has been a very tough, eye-opening, painful, renewing, cleansing and prayerful one in our house. Without going into any details, let me say that we have been crushed in several spiritual ways but that our marriage is not in jeopardy and there are no health issues. I just need to publicly proclaim a few things.

• Being transparent in our lives is crucial. We are all real people, we are all sinners and we have all made mistakes. The blessing in all of that is that we can all relate to the tough times, the broken times and can encourage others and use those times as testimony to build others up.
• Hindsight is 20/20 and there is no such thing as a “pink flag.” Women, especially have been given intuition, a special radar from God that is so important to be tuned into. That comes from being in the Word and having a healthy prayer life. When either one of those things isn’t strong, the intuition is easy to ignore, dismiss or just plain not be able to hear.
• We have an enemy. That enemy is real, ugly, deceitful and seeks to destroy us. We can measure how important something is to the life of a Christian by the amount of time and energy the enemy attempts to pervert it. We have the authority, through Christ Jesus, to smack that down, and when the feeling rises up to do that, and you are equipped with the knowledge to do it – WOW! What an incredible feeling. “For we do not fight against flesh and bone, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12
• Through times of brokenness, we emerge victorious not through our own doing, but with the knowledge and assurance that any battle has already been won by Christ, and in Him, we have victory as well. With that victory, we rise with a renewed vigor and fire for the Father’s timing and will in our lives, which is PERFECT. We know this because His word says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

These are things I take comfort in. precious gifts I thank God for along with the amazing church family we have been blessed with who pray fervently for us and who don’t hesitate to speak wisdom into our lives. How grateful we are that they can do that with no judgment or criticism, but with the heart of the Father, everything done in and with love.

Is it November yet?!

I am sick of the election. I know who I am voting for, can I just turn in my ballot and have all of the ick go away on TV and social media? I think the kicker for me to actually sit down and write this post is the whole Nicki Minaj/Mitt Romney thing. If our country has devolved into a culture where something as important as picking a PRESIDENT is able to be turned into a profane publicity stunt, we are doomed.

Something I would like to remind Republicans, Independents and Democrats alike, at least until January, and perhaps for another four years, Barack Obama is OUR President. Every single American reading this, he is YOUR President, whether you voted for him or not. He is serving our country in a way most of us could never imagine. I pray for him often, just as I did President George W. Bush and President Clinton before him. I'd like to share with you Romans 13:1-2, "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves."

I realize I have an opposite view of MANY of my friends on many things. I am an Independent who has voted both Republican and Democrat on past Presidential elections. I am a wife of a public servant who has to trust in God that my husband will return home after every shift. I am a feminist, who feels very fortunate to live in an era where I am allowed to vote and choose exactly what goes on with my body. Most importantly, I am a follower of Christ who believes it is my job to love on people, no matter what they believe, where they live, how much money they make, where they have been, or who they love.

If you have a question about any of those things, please ask me, I will be glad to tell you exactly why I feel the way I do about my reproductive rights (along with the reproductive rights of my 10-month-old niece and any daughters we may have in the future), basic rights and access to help for all Americans. This doesn't mean your views are wrong and mine are right, just different. That's just the beauty of our great nation, and I pray that God blesses it richly.

I'm Merrick Kingman, and I approve this message.