When God Calls Us To Be Uncomfortable

Sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zone. We all know that, but do we answer that call? Or do we curl up in our comfy little shells and hunker down? Either way, it's easier said than done. 

I've been in my hermit shell for quite a while. I was completely unaware of my mental state until my husband sat me down, looked me in the eye, and with all of the love in the world told me that I was spiraling down in clinical depression and he wanted to help me do whatever I needed to go be the person he fell in love with again. I'm ready to answer His call. 

I'm in a season of uncertainty and extreme uncomfortableness. We are still walking through the journey of infertility. Month 30 of trying, to be exact. There are family issues, personal issues, ministry development, future planning, possible career path advancement and then just everyday stuff. It's been really overwhelming for me. 

After spending some time in prayer, in the Word and in counseling, I can see what's going on now. God is calling me to be uncomfortable to get me to grow. Being stagnant isn't something we were meant to be and it hinders our relationship with our creator. 

I am learning how to set healthy boundaries in all areas of my life. It's a really hard thing for me to do, being someone who doesn't like to hurt or offend anyone, but I've come to a point where my mental health and well-being is taking precedence over others. 

I am learning how to let go of my own will and plan for my life. I've had a lot of dreams dashed - dreams I have had my entire life, but the sun still shines, the world still turns and I'm still blessed beyond measure. His plan is so much bigger for me than mine is, but keeping that in mind 100% of the time is easier said than done. Sure, it was about 10 years after I thought it would happen, but He brought me the most amazing husband in the entire world, someone He made perfectly for me. He was faithful in that, He will be faithful in giving us a child and healing my depression. 

I am learning how much what I say and do and my countenance effects those around me. God has given me a place of influence and a voice that is heard by more than I realize most of the time. Leaning in to Him for what He would have me say and do is something I am not fighting anymore. This life isn't about me, my needs or wants at all, it's about bringing Him glory. 

I'm opening up my heart to the fact that uncertainty can be exciting. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."" What does the future hold for hubs' career? Will it keep us in Yakima? When will Baby Kingman join us? Will we church plant? Will it be where we have seen it happening? Will family relationships be restored? We don't know the answer to any of those questions, yet. And that's OK.

Depression is a nasty beast.

I like to describe myself as the perfect mix of my mother and father. Those who know my mom say I look just like her, those who knew my dad say I look just like him. However, the older I get, the more I can pick out what I got from each one of them. Today, let's focus on Dad. From him I got my curly hair, my super cute nose, my eye color, fair skin with freckles, my performing abilities and depression.

Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.

Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I  read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.

My conclusions:

• I can do nothing on my own, no matter how hard I try. BUT I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. 
• My husband is gosh darn AMAZING. I am SO glad he was made for me, accepts me as I am, loves me unconditionally, supports me in so many things and wants me to be the very best me I was created to be. 
• Part of my problem is my lack of exercise. I need me some endorphins in my life. 
• I need to use my unique gifts more. Judging Miss East Valley last weekend brought me more joy than I've felt in many, many moons. I will make a post about that very soon. 
• Though I have gotten a lot better, I need to let go of hurts. 
• Joy is a choice. Sometimes it's the hardest choice to make, but it's one I am committed to make again. 

Bloggie Buddies!

YAY for Bloggie Buddies! I know it always motivated me to post when I knew people were reading and when I was reading things on blogs written by like-minded people.

That, my dear reader(s?), is what brings me to this evening's post. My friend Chelsea and I realized at Church at the Park this morning that we both have blogs! She updates much more frequently than I do, but maybe why I've been so lax about posting is because I didn't have a "team" anymore. Back in the LiveJournal and early MoaRR & HLOG days, it was almost all I could do to not post at every moment of the day (I can't even imagine if I would've had an iPhone back then...eesh).

Some might say that blogging is a bit passé, but (here comes another reason why I know this bloggie buddy relationship thing is important) one day, while Chelsea and I were hanging out in Sue's office at the church, a woman came in and was talking about the journals she keeps and how important it was for us to be journaling, not only for ourselves, but for our relationship with God and for future generations. Hard to argue with that, hey?

I’ll wrap this post up with a couple of “God things” that happened today. The first was being a part of the baptism team at Church at the Park. I can’t even begin to express how much God was in that lake at the end of the service. My favorite moment was right after I spotted our friend Shawn waiting to get into the water. He couldn’t hear me over everything that was going on, but he did hear Corey. We got to baptize him. I bawled like I had SPF 70 in my eyes (OK, so I did, but I was real-crying, too!). Like his wife said afterward, “It couldn’t have been scripted any better!”

The second time I got the “God-bumps” was tonight after the Discipleship Focus Classes. I have come on board as the check-in/administrator lady, so I was running around the church doing little bits of this and that while Corey was finishing his last class in the series (Serve 301 – Spiritual gifting). I should preface what I’m about to tell you with the tidbit that on Friday, Corey said something about needing to check out Colorado Christian University, Life Pacific College and a few other colleges about online degree programs. We got into the car and my husband turns to me and says, “You know how Mark says that sometimes it’s hard to be around people with the prophetic gift?” I acknowledged remembering that conversation and he went on to tell me about a moment in the class where the other student asked a question, Corey felt compelled to answer and made a comparison to himself when the teacher (a prophetic leader in our church) stopped him and said, “While intercession is one of your giftings, that’s not the calling on your life. You are going to be a pastor.”
“And that’s when I decided not to talk anymore in that class.”

Now, I’ve known for quite a while that eventually, my big, bad State Trooper wanted to become a pastor, but that was (well, until now) far from public knowledge. Nothing like a little nudge from the Lord that He has placed the desires in your heart for a reason!

AND with that, I must away to my night chamber – filling in for the sweet Sue tomorrow a.m.