Sometimes God calls us out of our comfort zone. We all know that, but do we answer that call? Or do we curl up in our comfy little shells and hunker down? Either way, it's easier said than done.
I've been in my hermit shell for quite a while. I was completely unaware of my mental state until my husband sat me down, looked me in the eye, and with all of the love in the world told me that I was spiraling down in clinical depression and he wanted to help me do whatever I needed to go be the person he fell in love with again. I'm ready to answer His call.
I'm in a season of uncertainty and extreme uncomfortableness. We are still walking through the journey of infertility. Month 30 of trying, to be exact. There are family issues, personal issues, ministry development, future planning, possible career path advancement and then just everyday stuff. It's been really overwhelming for me.
After spending some time in prayer, in the Word and in counseling, I can see what's going on now. God is calling me to be uncomfortable to get me to grow. Being stagnant isn't something we were meant to be and it hinders our relationship with our creator.
I am learning how to set healthy boundaries in all areas of my life. It's a really hard thing for me to do, being someone who doesn't like to hurt or offend anyone, but I've come to a point where my mental health and well-being is taking precedence over others.
I am learning how to let go of my own will and plan for my life. I've had a lot of dreams dashed - dreams I have had my entire life, but the sun still shines, the world still turns and I'm still blessed beyond measure. His plan is so much bigger for me than mine is, but keeping that in mind 100% of the time is easier said than done. Sure, it was about 10 years after I thought it would happen, but He brought me the most amazing husband in the entire world, someone He made perfectly for me. He was faithful in that, He will be faithful in giving us a child and healing my depression.
I am learning how much what I say and do and my countenance effects those around me. God has given me a place of influence and a voice that is heard by more than I realize most of the time. Leaning in to Him for what He would have me say and do is something I am not fighting anymore. This life isn't about me, my needs or wants at all, it's about bringing Him glory.
I'm opening up my heart to the fact that uncertainty can be exciting. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They
are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."" What does the future hold for hubs' career? Will it keep us in Yakima? When will Baby Kingman join us? Will we church plant? Will it be where we have seen it happening? Will family relationships be restored? We don't know the answer to any of those questions, yet. And that's OK.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Dusting it off again...
I apologize in advance for profanity in this post, but I simply cannot hold it in.
What in the actual fuck is going on?! Seriously! So many Law Enforcement Line of Duty Deaths in the past few weeks, it's sickening.
This is not a post to talk about gun control. This is not a post to talk about mental health. This is a dangerous post. I normally don't broadcast this, for our safety, but we are a law enforcement family. We are part of the Thin Blue Line. I consider myself a prayer warrior for the Washington State Patrol and the law enforcement agencies of the Yakima Valley.
This post is one of solidarity. I cannot begin to fathom what those families are going through, but I have thought about it. Every law enforcement spouse has - especially one who has been to a LODD funeral or memorial. You wonder what person you would have ride in what car, what music would play, what pictures to show, what kind of flowers to order. You wonder how in the world you could honor your spouse correctly and how in the world you would be able to stand, let alone walk into and out of the service. You dread knocks at the door while your spouse is on duty. You silently sit in that service, devastated for your sister (or brother), all the while praising God that your officer is going home with you that night.
To those who are 100% anti-law enforcement, I'm sorry you have a skewed view of the profession and have closed your mind to an entire group of people. I know there are bad cops out there. I would never try to pretend that everyone who puts the badge on does it with a right heart and a good attitude. I will, however, say that they are the exception to the rule. If they are treated with the respect anyone would expect from strangers (which isn't a TON), you will be treated the same way. I pray for you - honestly and sincerely, I pray for you. Not in a condescending way, but that you may come to the realization that police are people, just like you. I pray that you have GOOD interactions with law enforcement, that your minds may be opened and changed.
To every single member of the Thin Blue Line, I am praying for you. May the creator of the universe put a hedge of protection around you, sharpen your eyes, ears and instincts and get you home safe after each and every shift to those you love.
To every single Law Enforcement spouse out there, I am praying for you. May you keep the home fires burning strong while your spouse is risking his or her life for your city/county/state. May you feel the protection of the Father around you, your children, your spouse and your homes.
To every single family member and officer who has lost someone in the tragic events of the past few weeks, I am praying for you. May the peace and comfort from above that passes all understanding surround you. May your memories be sweet ones. I pray your needs be filled even before you know what they are. May you know that you will never again walk alone. You will always be a part of the Blue Family.
What in the actual fuck is going on?! Seriously! So many Law Enforcement Line of Duty Deaths in the past few weeks, it's sickening.
This is not a post to talk about gun control. This is not a post to talk about mental health. This is a dangerous post. I normally don't broadcast this, for our safety, but we are a law enforcement family. We are part of the Thin Blue Line. I consider myself a prayer warrior for the Washington State Patrol and the law enforcement agencies of the Yakima Valley.
This post is one of solidarity. I cannot begin to fathom what those families are going through, but I have thought about it. Every law enforcement spouse has - especially one who has been to a LODD funeral or memorial. You wonder what person you would have ride in what car, what music would play, what pictures to show, what kind of flowers to order. You wonder how in the world you could honor your spouse correctly and how in the world you would be able to stand, let alone walk into and out of the service. You dread knocks at the door while your spouse is on duty. You silently sit in that service, devastated for your sister (or brother), all the while praising God that your officer is going home with you that night.
To those who are 100% anti-law enforcement, I'm sorry you have a skewed view of the profession and have closed your mind to an entire group of people. I know there are bad cops out there. I would never try to pretend that everyone who puts the badge on does it with a right heart and a good attitude. I will, however, say that they are the exception to the rule. If they are treated with the respect anyone would expect from strangers (which isn't a TON), you will be treated the same way. I pray for you - honestly and sincerely, I pray for you. Not in a condescending way, but that you may come to the realization that police are people, just like you. I pray that you have GOOD interactions with law enforcement, that your minds may be opened and changed.
To every single member of the Thin Blue Line, I am praying for you. May the creator of the universe put a hedge of protection around you, sharpen your eyes, ears and instincts and get you home safe after each and every shift to those you love.
To every single Law Enforcement spouse out there, I am praying for you. May you keep the home fires burning strong while your spouse is risking his or her life for your city/county/state. May you feel the protection of the Father around you, your children, your spouse and your homes.
To every single family member and officer who has lost someone in the tragic events of the past few weeks, I am praying for you. May the peace and comfort from above that passes all understanding surround you. May your memories be sweet ones. I pray your needs be filled even before you know what they are. May you know that you will never again walk alone. You will always be a part of the Blue Family.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Depression is a nasty beast.
I like to describe myself as the perfect mix of my mother and father. Those who know my mom say I look just like her, those who knew my dad say I look just like him. However, the older I get, the more I can pick out what I got from each one of them. Today, let's focus on Dad. From him I got my curly hair, my super cute nose, my eye color, fair skin with freckles, my performing abilities and depression.
Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.
Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.
My conclusions:
Before he passed, we had quite a few conversations about our struggles with the chemistry in our brains. How that nasty beast sneaks up on us, little-by-little, without us knowing it, until we don't recognize ourselves or how we let it get that far. We talked about remedies that worked for us, natural and pharmaceutical, physical and spiritual. After he passed, I tried as hard as possible to not let depression get the best of me. Even though it's been a little over 20 months, last night it was brought to my attention that, despite my best efforts, I had failed.
Hearing my husband, lovingly and carefully saying that I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and married officially broke my heart and opened my eyes at the same time. We spent a couple of hours talking about my successes, my failures, things that make my blood boil, and things to be joyful about. After we were done crying and praying, I read my bible for a bit, then slept harder and better than I have in months, waking up up refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated.
My conclusions:
- I can do nothing on my own, no matter how hard I try. BUT I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
- My husband is gosh darn AMAZING. I am SO glad he was made for me, accepts me as I am, loves me unconditionally, supports me in so many things and wants me to be the very best me I was created to be.
- Part of my problem is my lack of exercise. I need me some endorphins in my life.
- I need to use my unique gifts more. Judging Miss East Valley last weekend brought me more joy than I've felt in many, many moons. I will make a post about that very soon.
- Though I have gotten a lot better, I need to let go of hurts.
- Joy is a choice. Sometimes it's the hardest choice to make, but it's one I am committed to make again.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I'm back again!
SO much has gone on since my last post, and eventually I will get around to the rest of them, but there's only one that I really feel like blogging about today.
The biggest and most heartbreaking thing that has happened was another member of our WSP family was taken from us on May 31. Trooper Sean O'Connell was a loving husband, father, son, brother and friend, and an incredible example of what it means to be a great Trooper. I try to find God in every bad situation, and boy, did He show up. There is very little that compares to the Law Enforcement family. In a week's time, our agency, along with many more around the state and country, and the Behind The Badge Foundation, banded together to rally around his family and to lay him to rest with a fitting and dignified service. In fact,our Spouses' Association is still organizing meals to be dropped off into next month.
I came across something on Pinterest this afternoon that spurred this post. For something fun to do with your kids, it was suggested to take goodies to your local Fire House to "Thank a Firefighter." By all means, please do! They are brave and special public servants. In both of the line-of-duty processions I've been in since getting married, they have lined the overpasses with their trucks, flags and stood at attention or with their hands covering their hearts as every single car passes. With the 19 men and women who gave their lives recently in Arizona, the firefighters around the country could use a pick-me up. We feel that in this house as well, as it brings up an old wound for my husband. One of his very best friends gave his life fighting the Thirty Mile Fire exactly 12 years ago today. He was had turned 21 just days before his death.
That being said, please think about doing the same thing for your local Police Officers, County Sheriffs and/or State Patrol/Police. While firefighters are always hailed as heroes, most of the time, Law Enforcement are pitted as "the mean guy who gave me a ticket for no reason," "the jerk who arrested so-and-so," or someone who will "come take you to jail" if one is "bad." Not only would bringing a treat and a note of thanks to your local station/office be a welcome change to the grief many police officers get on a daily basis, it would give your children a positive view of the Good Guys, letting them know they can trust them as well as the firefighters if they ever would be in need of help.
The biggest and most heartbreaking thing that has happened was another member of our WSP family was taken from us on May 31. Trooper Sean O'Connell was a loving husband, father, son, brother and friend, and an incredible example of what it means to be a great Trooper. I try to find God in every bad situation, and boy, did He show up. There is very little that compares to the Law Enforcement family. In a week's time, our agency, along with many more around the state and country, and the Behind The Badge Foundation, banded together to rally around his family and to lay him to rest with a fitting and dignified service. In fact,our Spouses' Association is still organizing meals to be dropped off into next month.
I came across something on Pinterest this afternoon that spurred this post. For something fun to do with your kids, it was suggested to take goodies to your local Fire House to "Thank a Firefighter." By all means, please do! They are brave and special public servants. In both of the line-of-duty processions I've been in since getting married, they have lined the overpasses with their trucks, flags and stood at attention or with their hands covering their hearts as every single car passes. With the 19 men and women who gave their lives recently in Arizona, the firefighters around the country could use a pick-me up. We feel that in this house as well, as it brings up an old wound for my husband. One of his very best friends gave his life fighting the Thirty Mile Fire exactly 12 years ago today. He was had turned 21 just days before his death.
That being said, please think about doing the same thing for your local Police Officers, County Sheriffs and/or State Patrol/Police. While firefighters are always hailed as heroes, most of the time, Law Enforcement are pitted as "the mean guy who gave me a ticket for no reason," "the jerk who arrested so-and-so," or someone who will "come take you to jail" if one is "bad." Not only would bringing a treat and a note of thanks to your local station/office be a welcome change to the grief many police officers get on a daily basis, it would give your children a positive view of the Good Guys, letting them know they can trust them as well as the firefighters if they ever would be in need of help.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Aaaaand we're back!
At the request of one of my favorite friends from high school, Crystal, I have decided to resurrect this blog.
We are trying to conceive our first nugget. I'm on a bit of hormone therapy and taking a few different vitamins and herbs to help with that. It seems to be working quite well. Doesn't make it any easier to see what seems like everyone I know getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for them, I really am. I am certain it will happen for us, just know that it's in God's timing, not our own. While we aren't in the "infertile" boat, we aren't in the "fertile myrtle" boat either. My friend Melinda posted this link and I think it's AWESOME!
Month by month, I am becoming more patient. Right now, I'm trying to focus on picking out scripts for the next few months for the Drama Ministry, getting everything ready for the Global Leadership Summit, for which I am the Onsite Event Manager and trying to finish school. It seems to be helping.
Our Maximus is very ill. Metastatic Lymphoma - stage 5. It's week-to-week with him right now. We're getting in all of the cuddles we can.
Baseball season is in full swing (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little)! Corey is the head coach for Riverside Christian School's HS Varsity team, where for the past 2 seasons he was an assistant coach. I'm still the official score keeper. It was a fast way to learn the sport, that's for sure. The boys are hilarious. They really are good kids. And a fantastic team - they are 5-0 in League play and 12-1 overall! Words can't express how proud I am of their accomplishments so far! My cupcakes have become legendary - along with being called Mrs. Coach, they have added "Cupcake Queen". I'm not going to lie, I stinkin' love it!
I'm watching my friend Michelle's 8-week-old, Benjamin today. I do believe he has a bit of a squishy diaper - Minnie is sniffing his little bum as he's sleeping on the chair next to me as I type this and watch Downton Abbey (don't even get me started on how devastated I am that season 3 isn't available yet on Netflix or HuluPlus!). AND there's the "rumble" I must away...
We are trying to conceive our first nugget. I'm on a bit of hormone therapy and taking a few different vitamins and herbs to help with that. It seems to be working quite well. Doesn't make it any easier to see what seems like everyone I know getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for them, I really am. I am certain it will happen for us, just know that it's in God's timing, not our own. While we aren't in the "infertile" boat, we aren't in the "fertile myrtle" boat either. My friend Melinda posted this link and I think it's AWESOME!
Month by month, I am becoming more patient. Right now, I'm trying to focus on picking out scripts for the next few months for the Drama Ministry, getting everything ready for the Global Leadership Summit, for which I am the Onsite Event Manager and trying to finish school. It seems to be helping.
Our Maximus is very ill. Metastatic Lymphoma - stage 5. It's week-to-week with him right now. We're getting in all of the cuddles we can.
Baseball season is in full swing (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little)! Corey is the head coach for Riverside Christian School's HS Varsity team, where for the past 2 seasons he was an assistant coach. I'm still the official score keeper. It was a fast way to learn the sport, that's for sure. The boys are hilarious. They really are good kids. And a fantastic team - they are 5-0 in League play and 12-1 overall! Words can't express how proud I am of their accomplishments so far! My cupcakes have become legendary - along with being called Mrs. Coach, they have added "Cupcake Queen". I'm not going to lie, I stinkin' love it!
I'm watching my friend Michelle's 8-week-old, Benjamin today. I do believe he has a bit of a squishy diaper - Minnie is sniffing his little bum as he's sleeping on the chair next to me as I type this and watch Downton Abbey (don't even get me started on how devastated I am that season 3 isn't available yet on Netflix or HuluPlus!). AND there's the "rumble" I must away...
Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday's Letters
I'm adopting a new tradition on the blog from my dear friend Chelsea (who got it from someone else) of "Friday's Letters." Little letters to whatever and whoever I see fit on Fridays. Here goes nothin':
Dear iPod Touch: Updating your operating system proved to be a bit more of a chore than I thought since all of your music got wiped out. It did, however, give me a chance to go through and weed out some of the "WHY do we have this on the iPod?!" songs and artists. Dear Grandma Barb: I hope the new medication you got will help with your memory. I'm not ready to let you go to Jesus yet, especially by your own hand due to the deterioration of your memory and progression of your dementia. You have been so integral in my faith journey and my upbringing that words will never express the love I have for you. Seeing your decline breaks my heart, and the idea that you might not be around to see me have a baby had never entered my mind until this morning. I love you. Dear husband: Two years together, one year married, and it feels like you have always been a part of my life. You are amazing and every day I thank God for the blessing that is you who was perfectly made for me. You know me better than anyone else on this planet and know exactly what to say to me in every situation. You make me laugh continually and I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. Dear Heavenly Father: Thank you for holding us and guiding us through the situations in our life. Thank you for placing us in such a wonderful community of church family, blessing us with loving families and the counsel of Christ-following friends. You are worthy to be praised at all times and in all places!
❤,
Mer
Dear iPod Touch: Updating your operating system proved to be a bit more of a chore than I thought since all of your music got wiped out. It did, however, give me a chance to go through and weed out some of the "WHY do we have this on the iPod?!" songs and artists. Dear Grandma Barb: I hope the new medication you got will help with your memory. I'm not ready to let you go to Jesus yet, especially by your own hand due to the deterioration of your memory and progression of your dementia. You have been so integral in my faith journey and my upbringing that words will never express the love I have for you. Seeing your decline breaks my heart, and the idea that you might not be around to see me have a baby had never entered my mind until this morning. I love you. Dear husband: Two years together, one year married, and it feels like you have always been a part of my life. You are amazing and every day I thank God for the blessing that is you who was perfectly made for me. You know me better than anyone else on this planet and know exactly what to say to me in every situation. You make me laugh continually and I am so excited for the rest of our lives together. Dear Heavenly Father: Thank you for holding us and guiding us through the situations in our life. Thank you for placing us in such a wonderful community of church family, blessing us with loving families and the counsel of Christ-following friends. You are worthy to be praised at all times and in all places!
❤,
Mer
It's Friday!
What an amazing week this has been!
By day, I've been filling in for the amazing and sweet Sue in the YFC office. It's been really nice to decompress, be surrounded by people I love and have SO much fun with and feel like I'm contributing financially to our family. I have been dubbed "Our new defender of the faith" by Pastor Dave after passing his little prank phone call test ("No, we're not snake handlers...") and given the nickname "Mountain of the Valleys" through the Bible Dictionary method.
I've also come to the realization that, even though I'm really good at it, it wasn't just the corporate world admin gigs that I had fallen out of love with, it was that I would much rather be doing focused work in my specialty/ministry area than being support staff. I have a deep admiration and respect for support staff, especially after being in that field for 10+ years, so I mean no disrespect with my "vocalization" of my realization.
By night, I've been hanging out at Grandma Jane's casa with the Kingman clan. Cousin Karen and her mom Aunt Iva have been here from Texas and Amber and Cayden have been in town since last Thursday night. Lots of cards, southern comfort food, snacks, candy, cookies, pies and lots of laughter. I'm going to miss that next week, but thankfully, we'll start the week with our special little beach treat for our anniversary.
Corey is super twitterpated. He's on the West Side right now picking up his new patrol car. His text to me a bit ago was, "Oh, she's dead sexy. Might have to name this one." I can't wait to see it in person and go on a ride-along!
It's been two years since I've put in a 40-hour work week outside of my house and adding the late nights of family fun on top, I'm bushed! I'm really thankful for the quiet time in the office this morning - just me and Dobby. Happy weekend, all!
By day, I've been filling in for the amazing and sweet Sue in the YFC office. It's been really nice to decompress, be surrounded by people I love and have SO much fun with and feel like I'm contributing financially to our family. I have been dubbed "Our new defender of the faith" by Pastor Dave after passing his little prank phone call test ("No, we're not snake handlers...") and given the nickname "Mountain of the Valleys" through the Bible Dictionary method.
I've also come to the realization that, even though I'm really good at it, it wasn't just the corporate world admin gigs that I had fallen out of love with, it was that I would much rather be doing focused work in my specialty/ministry area than being support staff. I have a deep admiration and respect for support staff, especially after being in that field for 10+ years, so I mean no disrespect with my "vocalization" of my realization.
By night, I've been hanging out at Grandma Jane's casa with the Kingman clan. Cousin Karen and her mom Aunt Iva have been here from Texas and Amber and Cayden have been in town since last Thursday night. Lots of cards, southern comfort food, snacks, candy, cookies, pies and lots of laughter. I'm going to miss that next week, but thankfully, we'll start the week with our special little beach treat for our anniversary.
Corey is super twitterpated. He's on the West Side right now picking up his new patrol car. His text to me a bit ago was, "Oh, she's dead sexy. Might have to name this one." I can't wait to see it in person and go on a ride-along!
It's been two years since I've put in a 40-hour work week outside of my house and adding the late nights of family fun on top, I'm bushed! I'm really thankful for the quiet time in the office this morning - just me and Dobby. Happy weekend, all!
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